I'm not allowed to be sad.

I don't know what it is, but I just have been filled with so much annoyance lately. All these petty little things are getting to me in ways that I know they shouldn't. It's as if my mind has gone bad. It seems that something like this happens every few months. I guess it's time for my quarterly check up. What's it going to take for my mind to be eased. I don't want to ruin such a good thing but there are times when I just feel so out of it. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle certain situations.

I just want to scream.

Where to begin?

Last night, I don't know how to describe it, but there was a certain magic in the air. Everything felt so right and I didn't want the night to end. It's crazy to think that these days are turning into weeks are turning into months. Time is flying bye and it only gets better and better as it continues.

The things going on in Tiger! Tiger! land are really exciting. We got on part of a tour with one of my favorite bands, there are talks of getting us on an agency, and hopefully we'll be going in to the studio shortly to record another EP. I couldn't be more excited. I hope to be on tour starting this March and never ending.

Wow

I woke up at 2 today.

I haven't done that in forever.

I need to get things back on track.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I am in a really good mood today. :)

I need this

I am at a good place right now. Things are going well and I'm picking up the slack in school. I feel like after plummeting last week at this time I am now on a high rise back to better things.

The Lions are blowing it again.

I don't know what to do, don't know what to say.

I seriously feel myself slipping away. I don't know what it is, but all I want to do is get away from the world and just be alone.

I used to meditate. I think I'm going to start doing that again.

All of this shit that I'm piling on top of myself is not making me happy. I just want to fast-forward my life.

emo blog alert.

I guess I just need to get this shit off of my back.

My friends disapprove, my parents disapprove, sometimes I wonder if anyone does approve. Here's the thing though, I really could care less. I understand that society tells us to condemn things like this, but if you took a second to ask me about it I think you would realize that it's not really what you think.

I realize that it's not "normal". Really though, when have I ever been "normal"? I'm sorry, but this girl is awesome. I totally do not care that it may seem wrong to you. It's clear that in 3 years we will be problem free. That's cool with me. I'm not in any rush.

I really just want to be best friends. Seriously, I'm sick of bullshit relationships.

Take from this what you will, but just know that I like to make my own choices. I appreciate some of you "looking out for me", but I have things under control.

I don't know what I want to say here.

This night ended way too early. I'm not mad - just sad.

:(

It's amazing.

I went to bed in a super shitty mood last night. Every small little thing was pissing me off. Basically, I was being a little bitch.

This morning I feel changed. I'm excited for the day.

I'm real excited for the weekend. Friday's gonna r00l. Same with Saturday.

I still miss The New Frontiers.

Shit.

Show tonight sucked. Sucked big time.

Ender ruled. They're staying at my house; sleeping in my basement as I type this.

I'm confused, too. Shit's whack.

Thank Mitchell Rice

Finally got that off my back.

Oh how you drive me crazy.

Shit's getting whack.

I just want to muster up enough courage to say something.

Instead I write stupid journal entries.

Fuck.

Big Update

I'm gonna do a weekend update. It's gonna be awesome. I'm not only sure, I'm HIV postive...hahahaha. Gosh, I love South Park

So, Friday I worked the Emarosa show. Not a whole lot to say really. Vanity opened and The Years Gone By played second. Other than those two, I had no interest whatsoever. You can read about what happened later that night in a previous blog.

Saturday:

I went to the Dentist. It sucked.

Later in the day I headed over to the BHS Varsity Hockey carwash. I kid you not, it was the first time I ever got my van washed since I got it over a year ago. I'm awesome like that. Afterwards I drove all the fuck over to try and find a pair of mittens/gloves. No success. My hands will have to continue to be cold. Shit.

Brian then came over and we practiced for Parker's punk rock party. It was awesome. Practice...yeah.

Parker's was fun. We played and I forgot words. I'm an idiot. Apathetic Critic spontaneously played "Cars" by Tips and I sang it with them. It was hilarious. Then we played "You don't stop". I love those guys. Dudes, if you read this, "I love you!"

After all the music shenanigans, a bonfire formed. I wasn't feeling it and really just felt like staring up at the stars. I need to do that often. I ended up in the front yard and for a while I was all alone. It was nice and I did a lot of much needed thinking. Then people started coming and ruining my silence. Major buzzkill.

So, when I was done being emo, we went and side and played guitar hero at parker's house. Then we eventually ended up at Allie's house where everyone was playing rock band. Sweet. The best part of the night was when Brian and I were playing pool by ourselves just cracking up. I'm glad we're such nerds.

Today, I went to the Modern Exchange with the band Take Notice. Really fucking funny dudes and awesome music. There was virtually no one there. Great promotion, man. They played first and then two mosh-metal bands played. The second one kept saying, "Come on you fucking faggots. Hit somebody", "Fuck shit up", "Hit your girlfriend or something," and other various phrases. Awesome, guys.

After them Ambush came on. They were fucking amazing. Before one song the guitarist said that the certain song was anti-sexism, anti-racism, and anti-homophobic and that there was no room for homophobia in the hardcore scene. Totally a middle finger right to the band that played before them.

Now I'm at the student center. Homework later tonight.

You were right...

Today has been sad.

Are you there?

Breathe and I’ll carry you away into the velvet sky
And we’ll stir the stars around
And watch them fall away into the Hudson Bay
And plummet out of sight and sound
The open summer breeze will sweep you through the hills
Where I live in the alpine heights
Below the Northern Lights, I spend my coldest nights
Alone, awake and thinking of...the weekend we were in love

Home among these mountain tops can be so awfully dull
A thousand miles from the tide
But photos on the walls of New York shopping malls
Distract me so I stay inside
I wish the rockets stayed over the promenade
Cuz I would make a hook and eye
And fish them from the sky, my darling, she and I
We’re hanging on so take us high
To sing the world goodbye:

I am floating away
Lost in a silent ballet
I’m dreaming you’re out in the blue and I am right beside you
Awake to take in the view
Late nights and early parades
Still photos and noisy arcades
My darling, we’re both on the wing, look down and keep on singing!
And we can go anywhere

Are you there?
Are you there, or are you just a decoy dream in my head?
Am I home or am I simply tumbling all alone?

I've been super lonely lately. Not lonely in the sense of being alone, but more in the sense of being uncomfortably alone. I have always preferred the company of myself to the company of others. I guess I just miss having someone to talk to about anything. I mean I pretty much had someone nonstop for 4 years. Now everything just gets bottled in. I hate it.

I don't want a girlfriend by any means, but I just want someone there for me. It sucks. There are actually a couple people I really, really enjoy talking to that are new to my life. It's just weird.